What Does This Make Us?
by poohxebony
Summary: What does this make us now? Where do we go from here? Though I should already know the answers, I wish to hear them from his voice. Does he ask himself these questions too? Rangiku's POV. Hope you enjoy and review


**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Here is my first RangikuxGin story. As promised to **iRawrTera, **who requested this a long time ago. Hope the rest of you enjoy this piece as well. Don't forget to review when you're done, thanks ;)

I shouldn't be sitting by the window in my small comfortable room, lost in thought while gazing at the endless diamond sky. I needed to continue enjoying my time on this beautiful night until dawn breaks. Normally, I'd be making the best of these last moments with a little help of some delightful sake right about now. No, I'm not in an angry or depressing mood. No, I'm not already intoxicated, which is exactly the problem.

Was today a boring, horrible day to live through? Not at all. Rest assured, it was quite the opposite since today's been a special one. My good spirits were fulfilled with some laughs, entertainment, a few more surprises, and other hilarious mischief. And yes, I realized how blessed I was to not celebrate this day alone. My friends—Soul Society and the living world alike—proved that theory to me. They remind me how valuable I am in their eyes, having a place of my own in their hearts. They filled whatever empty space that was left in me today. Or so I thought.

I especially love how everyone expects only the real me, nothing more or less. Rangiku Matsumoto. 'The Busty Babe'. The gorgeous, lazy, fickle, shopaholic, alcoholic, and more importantly, kind-hearted shinigami. That's who I am. And I'm damn sure proud of it. Therefore, I absolutely have everything to complete me that way. But the question still remains: what the hell am I doing here, sitting in solace like this? Well like I said, today's been a special day. It's my birthday.

In other words, it's the first anniversary since _he _and I first met.

It's funny, isn't it? To have those annoying flashbacks still get the best of you, especially if they no longer hold any meaning after everything that happened. They all turned out to be a lie after all. And to think I would feel much better if I was to brace myself for this 'weakening moment' over a year now. Guess I should have known better. Why else would I be here, wasting my time about the past? But at least it was worth a try. Apparently I can't turn cold turkey just yet, now that my birthday will never be the same one hundred percent. Our connection always been far from ordinary.

As I sit by this window for over a hour, the cool air brushing past my long golden locks, my mind is unable to escape the trance of trouble memories about the past with him. Is it still meant for me to reminisce about it? Did that led me to stay here alone in this dimmed room? Seriously, I don't need to be wasting my time like this, nor do I want to. I bet he's probably thinking the same way. No, he _is_ thinking the same way, that's the truth. He made his new role loud and clear by his actions. And I desperately needed to do the same. The night is still young, and my birthday is not over. Allow me to fill in whatever hours are left with more laughs, drinks, and bonding. Allow me to dance my harmonious attitude the night away until the sun rises. Anything to keep me occupied from thinking. But…I can't. These damn flashbacks are drawing me back on that first day.

That first day…never will forget it. It was when he came and changed my entire world, all by the heroic action of saving my life from starvation. I wonder if I did the same for him once our eyes interlocked with each other. Out of all the features from him, even that unique hair and name, it was his frighteningly warm smile that hypnotized me. That irreplaceable, frozen smile…I'll admit, it did freaked me out during our first days together. Eventually, it somehow told me something else about him. Perhaps the result of that smile was a symbol of his strong optimistic and fighting nature. Perhaps back then, he was hoping it would teach me to smile too? Maybe. And surprisingly, it did for the time being. He was even the one who created this birthday of mine, as a way of letting me be reborn. Otherwise, there wouldn't have been any other reason to call today special. So I thank him for that. Even though he's no longer here with me to celebrate it.

We've been separated ever since. Everything I did was mostly because of his motivation. That included being a part of Soul Society in the first place. He believed I had the potentials to become a shinigami warrior, whereas I didn't. He actually believed that even I had a purpose to pursue as well as everybody else and himself. He gave me a reason to make a use of myself in this world, to discover more about my individuality and my own path for a future. Despite my strong dislikes of the endless hard work and training, for once I set my feelings aside and endured them. All for him. With him watching me over my shoulder, even knowing that his existence was there, I felt that I could anything. That was when I started to feel that I really wasn't alone. I started to feel that I had my own family. Maybe even more. Now that I think about it, he was the one that introduced me to friendships around here.

Then things changed as we grew up. And I don't mean just the 'physical' part of it either. Oh yeah, I bet he didn't expect his Rangiku to fully blossom into a real flower alright. Neither did the rest of the guys around here, based on their blushes. I chuckle. But it wasn't just his own manly transformation that surprised me, but something different in his normal demeanor. I should have protected myself from the betrayal that was yet to come right then and there. Starting with the unexpected disappearances. I should have trusted my instincts more cautiously about that. True, he had his rights and reasons to go wherever he pleased. He had his businesses and privacies, and I for one respected them. I just never thought that it would lead him to the path of corruption and destruction where he is now. Our tragic ending over a year still pisses me off enough to ball a light fist, or twitch my eyebrows. Seriously, how stupid could he be?

But sometimes…I think that it's not entirely his fault. Maybe he's also a victim of that bastard's own mind game. All the more reason to help everyone in this upcoming Winter War, to put an end of this scum. Not because he's becoming the enemy of both worlds, but because he's the culprit that took my old friend away from me. Aizen screwed everyone's beliefs and admiration the moment he revealed his true colors. And that made him revealed his as well in front of me. No, no scratch that. It is still his fault. This is his own choice of fate once he decided to stand by Aizen's side. He's the one that destroyed our friendship when he first thought about betraying me. That's what's so messed up. Did he really think our parting farewell wouldn't leave me broken with anger and despair, even though I didn't shed any tears? I'm not the kind of chick that shows outer feelings so easily. But that doesn't mean I don't have them. Trust me, our farewell left me alone with a thousand tears to shed once I retreated to a room.

But if there was one thing I would cherish from our departure, it would be his last smile of happiness of remorse. Or guilt. Or even sadness. I still picture that face in my head as he glanced at me the final time. I even remember his last words to me. So it still leaves me torn to believe whether or not he's a victim of this horrible game. Some pieces started shredding from my heart over that look. I just didn't know what to do, what to think or believe anymore. All I know is that if it wouldn't for the comfort of the remaining friends, I wouldn't make it to be the Rangiku that they all love today. I probably wouldn't be here—mentally that is. Now I have to prepare myself for encountering new enemies in this huge war. And one of those new faces obviously includes him. Will he be prepared to see me when the time comes?

What does this make us now? Where do we go from here? Although I should already know the answers, I wish to him them from his voice alone. Does he ask himself these questions too, while sitting alone in a room like I am? For some reason, a part of me wants to hope that he does. It's the only way of knowing that he still remembers this day. I wonder if he's wondering how my birthday's coming alone. But he should know the answer to that as well. Of course something is still missing. And that's him.

I sigh and finally moved to get away from the window. I no longer feel like celebrating anymore. I slip into bed, having my warm blanket covering my exhausted body. Maybe sleeping good dreams will ease my soul, no matter how false they are. I had my fill for today, and I'm blessed to see it. Now I should be focused on seeing a newer tomorrow. After all, each day is a step closer to our future battle. And it's a step closer to seeing him again.

_Gin……_

Gin. A name that I finally manage to say after a whole year. I don't know what made me finally say it mentally, but it actually felt…pretty good for a second. But this small relief won't last forever. It never will. Not until the both of us discover the closure that we need to put an end of this despair. And I'll see to it that it happens one way or another. Even if one of us has to fall.

Gin, the next time when we meet—and clash swords—I'll ask you those very same questions that I've been asking myself this whole time. Hopefully you have those answers that I've been waiting for to hear, and the courage to say them to me regardless. Then and maybe then… we'll finally have our closure. You owe our relationship that much. But the saddest part out of all of this is…. that I know I'll still love him no matter what happens afterwards. I'm truly pathetic. Damn you, Gin.

But at the same time, I'm proud of it. Thanks for the memories. Happy birthday to me.


End file.
